Love Is in the Air
I'm sorry to raise such an unpleasant subject, but love has been much on my mind today, though I could not tell you why the notion should have entered into my head. It may be that I am coming down with a bad cold, or some sort of infection—such illnesses are quite common in the middle of February. I have often found that writing helps me calm myself when my brain is agitated in this way, so I took the liberty this afternoon of composing a list of the advantages and the disadvantages that I have discovered in having an attachment with a woman, a task whose ameliorative effects I felt immediately, and whose results I shall post now for your interest and edification, beginning with the disadvantages.
The Disadvantages of Love
1. The prospect of having a woman share one's bed is much more pleasant than the actual result. Though 'tis true that after a time one remembers only the caresses and the sweet whispers, the prevailing experience is one of legs and arms everywhere, and farts beneath the blankets.
2. Three times in my life have I thought myself to be in love. The first turned out to be a case of kidney stones, the second (though a pleasant enough experience) ended very sadly indeed, and the third cost me nearly half my fortune. Thus, love is expensive, painful, and bad for the health.
3. Unlike ill humor, disappointment, or remorse, love is only made worse by a jug of ale.
4. A woman who truly loves you will look beyond the façade that you present to the world and come to see you for the person that you really are. This is not a pleasant experience for either party.
5. Being in love is not unlike being drunk, though in the latter case, the nauseating effects of overindulgence do not usually last a lifetime.
The Advantages of Love
1. When I had a wife, I often found it a useful way of extricating myself from awkward social engagements by claiming that she had a case of the vapors.
Those were all that I could come up with—though I think it is not a bad list, and it did me good to write it. I believe I would have been cured entirely had there been any available ladies at the Crimson Unicorn tonight, but when I arrived they were all occupied, and I found Patrick sitting desultorily at a table with a bottle of wine. I sat with him for a while, until Sean joined us, and they both seemed quite interested to hear my disquisition on the merits and drawbacks of the married life. I suppose I have had less pleasant evenings.